I have accidentally acquired admirers. They're very demanding & irritating* but I don't have the heart to tell them to just bugger right off & leave me & my adorable farting pooch alone. What have I done to deserve this? I haven't gone out of my way to ensnare them. I wouldn't say I'm looking particularly ravishing at the moment. I have no money & no obvious assets, so have my pathetic circumstances awoken some latent need to protect & nurture? Or maybe they can sense my vulnerability & are circling like vultures for their pound of flesh.
Friday night I was merrily working on P11s & P35s & had achieved that slightly disshevelled bulging eyed state of anyone who has to deal with the tax office when Mad Andy who isn't averse to large buttocks suddenly appeared. And then he wouldn't go & kept calling me a hottie (obviously means I've got a fat arse then). Despite my best subtle hints like "why don't you fuck off & let me get on with my accounts", he wouldn't shift & insisted going through my drinks cabinet which also doubles up as a cardboard box.
In the end I gave up & went down the pub with him, where we bumped into an older gentleman who has made moves in my direction (I'd had an innocent takeaway round his a few weeks back when he did the HAND ON THE KNEE move, which caused me to choke on a spare rib). He demanded that I come round to his for more grub on Saturday night. I'd had a few by then & caught like a rabbit in Nazi headlamps I spluttered something like "er, well I supppose...... um,.... not sure.... um well er........." Bollocks. Damn me for my weakness. Why couldn't I say something like "look you old codger, you've got no chance of satisfying me, a woman in her prime, so sod off & leave me alone".
Mad Andy dropped me off after the pub & even though I'd told him to go home he legged it after me indoors. I had to get all assertive & tell him that because he'd Shanghai'd my whole night, I would now have to spend the weekend on poxy tax forms; with a hangover. Grrrreat. And he couldn't sleep on my floor because he'd lurk about the next day & be more irritating than a bad case of thrush. So no he had to go home.
Saturday morning, the older gent turned up demanding I come over that night. You'd think I would have sorted an excuse but I'm not much cop at lying, especially not when suffering from the previous evening. So we did Chinese & it was relatively civilised, except he made really loud chewing noises as old people do, slagged off various chums of mine for being low life scum. Then I got the Spanish inquisition about why I wasn't an accountant any more, married, was I "into" men & so on. Yawn. I made sure I sat in the reclining chair rather than the sofa where the potential to get cornered would be quite high. His hand did wander in my direction but I'd already moved the chair backwards so he couldn't reach & I just ignored it.
Then Sunday morning I got a call from Mad Andy, he wants to move into my spare room. Ahhhhhhh!
So yet another interesting weekend.
Update on the car: My friend the Tall Bloke, AKA Jaws (so called because he looks like the villain himself) has been working on it & it is salvagable & will be firing on all 4 cylinders in no time.
*It's taken as given that if I were vaguely attracted to them they would be neither demanding or irritating.
Sunday, 13 April 2008
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
Yah Boo Sucks!
Serious car trouble it is. Approximately £400!!!! It's not worth it so it looks like the red tank will be heaving it's rusty old soul off to the great metal heap in China.
My friend the Tall Bloke is doing the body work on my other knackered car from the accident in May, so I may buy it back. Oh the irony of it all. Or, I may get a scooter. In the meantime I am borrowing a bike to get to my boss's house a mile down the road & he'll be driving me to work. It's downhill there, uphill back. I'm looking forward to it....... yeah right! That's a damn lie, but I'm looking forward to a steadily decreasing lardy arse, and it's a better environmental option which is very right-on.
I had a question from Boz about the furry ginger twat; is he off my case now? Well it depends which way he falls out of bed. He had the bailiffs out a few months back*, but even though he's not a nice person**, he isn't famed for grinding his ex-publicans into the ground after they've handed back their keys. The pub sold very quickly so I don't owe a massive amount of money. Because I'm earning bugger all right now (thankyou Mr G Brown & Co. for leaving me with even less, you weasels) if the bailiffs come out, I could claim poverty in court & pay a miniscule amount of money each week. In all it's probably not worth his while. However, were I to get a proper job again, I have my concerns that he'd come after me. With hindsight it would have been easier to declare bankruptcy.
On a nicer note, one of my lovely chums who still works in the music biz is going to send me a Nick Cave album. Hooray! So thanks Graeme, I'm very excited about it.
*The bailiff was really nice, even though he was trying to have a go at me about removing paintings that he'd marked as valuable. I started crying & he let me off. I'm not sure if I'd get away with it again. It's the first time I have ever used the pathetic card but it seems quite a useful tool.
**Also known locally as Ricky the Torch, because a large amount of his properties go up in flames. Empty useless building, torch it. Need a new kitchen, torch it. Tenants getting on your nerves, torch it.
My friend the Tall Bloke is doing the body work on my other knackered car from the accident in May, so I may buy it back. Oh the irony of it all. Or, I may get a scooter. In the meantime I am borrowing a bike to get to my boss's house a mile down the road & he'll be driving me to work. It's downhill there, uphill back. I'm looking forward to it....... yeah right! That's a damn lie, but I'm looking forward to a steadily decreasing lardy arse, and it's a better environmental option which is very right-on.
I had a question from Boz about the furry ginger twat; is he off my case now? Well it depends which way he falls out of bed. He had the bailiffs out a few months back*, but even though he's not a nice person**, he isn't famed for grinding his ex-publicans into the ground after they've handed back their keys. The pub sold very quickly so I don't owe a massive amount of money. Because I'm earning bugger all right now (thankyou Mr G Brown & Co. for leaving me with even less, you weasels) if the bailiffs come out, I could claim poverty in court & pay a miniscule amount of money each week. In all it's probably not worth his while. However, were I to get a proper job again, I have my concerns that he'd come after me. With hindsight it would have been easier to declare bankruptcy.
On a nicer note, one of my lovely chums who still works in the music biz is going to send me a Nick Cave album. Hooray! So thanks Graeme, I'm very excited about it.
*The bailiff was really nice, even though he was trying to have a go at me about removing paintings that he'd marked as valuable. I started crying & he let me off. I'm not sure if I'd get away with it again. It's the first time I have ever used the pathetic card but it seems quite a useful tool.
**Also known locally as Ricky the Torch, because a large amount of his properties go up in flames. Empty useless building, torch it. Need a new kitchen, torch it. Tenants getting on your nerves, torch it.
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
The Best Thing In the World....Ever....Has Happened!!!
The tenancy on my pub has been sold! Yay & double yay!
The only reason I found out was because I called the furry ginger twat's office to have a rant & maybe a rave about SOMEBODY leaving the light on whilst I am still responsible for the bill. I was stopped in my tracks with the great news that somebody had just moved in (explains the Mercedes, 4x4 & the trailer sitting in the carpark when I went to break into the pub earlier to change the bulb to a dud, turns out I was lucky I got the willies & legged it).
So, now I have to get Opus Energy (who I can confirm are officially the worst electricity company in the world ever) to close the account & cough up the overpayment of £700 they owe me so I can clear my overdraft. This is going to be fun, I'll just get my boxing gloves ready.
As for the overdue rent I haven't paid since September, the furry ginger twat can go hang himself for that. Wanker.
I went out to the pub to celebrate my victory in the face of evil & managed to find my way home via the tracks through the fields. Creeping about at night in the dark on private land with scarey farmers not averse to using shotguns; gosh I like to live dangerously.
The latest car trauma; the indoor passenger door handle has fallen off & on a more serious note the car is making a hideous chug chug chug noise when I drive. I seem to be ripping through water & petrol & the heater doesn't work properly. I've left the red tank at work & Karl the mechanic genius who I love & adore will check it out for me. He muttered something about head gaskets & sucked air between his teeth so it must be incredibly serious. Damn that pesky car.
The only reason I found out was because I called the furry ginger twat's office to have a rant & maybe a rave about SOMEBODY leaving the light on whilst I am still responsible for the bill. I was stopped in my tracks with the great news that somebody had just moved in (explains the Mercedes, 4x4 & the trailer sitting in the carpark when I went to break into the pub earlier to change the bulb to a dud, turns out I was lucky I got the willies & legged it).
So, now I have to get Opus Energy (who I can confirm are officially the worst electricity company in the world ever) to close the account & cough up the overpayment of £700 they owe me so I can clear my overdraft. This is going to be fun, I'll just get my boxing gloves ready.
As for the overdue rent I haven't paid since September, the furry ginger twat can go hang himself for that. Wanker.
I went out to the pub to celebrate my victory in the face of evil & managed to find my way home via the tracks through the fields. Creeping about at night in the dark on private land with scarey farmers not averse to using shotguns; gosh I like to live dangerously.
The latest car trauma; the indoor passenger door handle has fallen off & on a more serious note the car is making a hideous chug chug chug noise when I drive. I seem to be ripping through water & petrol & the heater doesn't work properly. I've left the red tank at work & Karl the mechanic genius who I love & adore will check it out for me. He muttered something about head gaskets & sucked air between his teeth so it must be incredibly serious. Damn that pesky car.
Sunday, 6 April 2008
An Exciting Saturday
I have furniture!
Yesterday I had a fun day at the local village auction. I now have a sofa & a nursing chair to join the grandad chair which is ugly but comfortable. My neighbour, who is also my landlady had a spending frenzy & acquired masses of "stuff." As she has filled her house, garage, shed & my garage & shed, she has taken to letting me "borrow" furniture. My house is now another storeroom.
On the way home from the auction, I was pootling along when nochalantly crossing the road was a white ferret with red eyes. I guessed it was an escapee, so pulled over to capture it. What I thought I would do with a mad ferret with sharp biting little teeth, I don't know. Big John the farmer just happened to be passing & had a Crocodile Dundee moment (that bit where he hypnotises the raging cow with horns). Well, Big John did that to the ferret. It was quite cool. Then he stood there in all his glorious earthy manliness chatting for half an hour with it cradled lovingly in his arms. He said he knew who's it was, but personally I think he was going to chuck it down the nearest rabbit hole & sit & wait with a shotgun.
Yesterday I had a fun day at the local village auction. I now have a sofa & a nursing chair to join the grandad chair which is ugly but comfortable. My neighbour, who is also my landlady had a spending frenzy & acquired masses of "stuff." As she has filled her house, garage, shed & my garage & shed, she has taken to letting me "borrow" furniture. My house is now another storeroom.
On the way home from the auction, I was pootling along when nochalantly crossing the road was a white ferret with red eyes. I guessed it was an escapee, so pulled over to capture it. What I thought I would do with a mad ferret with sharp biting little teeth, I don't know. Big John the farmer just happened to be passing & had a Crocodile Dundee moment (that bit where he hypnotises the raging cow with horns). Well, Big John did that to the ferret. It was quite cool. Then he stood there in all his glorious earthy manliness chatting for half an hour with it cradled lovingly in his arms. He said he knew who's it was, but personally I think he was going to chuck it down the nearest rabbit hole & sit & wait with a shotgun.
Thursday, 3 April 2008
Tuesday, 1 April 2008
Potential Lunch For the Hound
My next door neighbour...... well, my only neighbour, has asked today how I feel about cats. She wants to get one to kill the mice.
Hmmmm. A fully grown cat that can defend itself from a fast moving dog that's too stupid to know what's good for it would be fine. But a lovely cute fluffy little thing that's only just opened it's wee little eyes? I wouldn't rate it's chances.
Hmmmm. A fully grown cat that can defend itself from a fast moving dog that's too stupid to know what's good for it would be fine. But a lovely cute fluffy little thing that's only just opened it's wee little eyes? I wouldn't rate it's chances.
Monday, 31 March 2008
My Faithful Hound Will Protect Me!
I have a friend who was a gamekeeper, looking after the pheasants in the woods behind my house; until he shot the spaniel of the posh daughter of a random rich farmer type. Pheasant shooting has since been banned by lady so&so who owns the land & had been renting it to my friend's boss, she's also really chummy with the random rich farmer type.*
Since all this occurred in late February, the woods have had no gamekeeper & I have been warned that waves of poachers are moving in. I can cope with the idea of strange scarey people creeping about with shot guns during daylight hours, but at night? Purlease! That door is locked, bolted & the washing machine is heaved up against it. I am contemplating setting up a rudimentary blockade at the end of the Concrete Road with a few pallats & some chicken wire. Maybe some searchlights around the house, just in case...... & trip wires. My mate Leaky does a nice line in man-traps. I also have the legendary guarddog capabilities of my hound to consider. Yes! Why didn't I think of it before? She can lick any undesirables into submission.
*All that old gold sticking together - if the dog had belonged to a less wealthy family, the attitude would have been "serve it right."
Since all this occurred in late February, the woods have had no gamekeeper & I have been warned that waves of poachers are moving in. I can cope with the idea of strange scarey people creeping about with shot guns during daylight hours, but at night? Purlease! That door is locked, bolted & the washing machine is heaved up against it. I am contemplating setting up a rudimentary blockade at the end of the Concrete Road with a few pallats & some chicken wire. Maybe some searchlights around the house, just in case...... & trip wires. My mate Leaky does a nice line in man-traps. I also have the legendary guarddog capabilities of my hound to consider. Yes! Why didn't I think of it before? She can lick any undesirables into submission.
*All that old gold sticking together - if the dog had belonged to a less wealthy family, the attitude would have been "serve it right."
Sunday, 30 March 2008
Lots of Ranting
Grrrrrr.......
I had an accident with a mad careering taxi driver in May 2007. The car was trashed. I'd just bought it from a chum 2 weeks earlier to replace my old banger that had died (RIP). We hadn't got round to registering in my name but I believed I was ok to drive any car (oh how I rue my disorganisation). Sorting out the insurance has been a nightmare. My claim against the vicious piece of work who was driving is not covered & I must sort it out myself, though luckily her claim against me is. We're now in a sort of no-man's land where nothing is happening, though I have been given to believe that the nasty scheming cow wants to take me to court.
The wreck had been sitting in my old pub carpark & was finally collected for disposal today. Yesterday I found that a very kind person had covered it with kitchen oil & dog biscuits. A frightened old lady told me that some "louts" had ran riot around the village on Friday night & egged a few cars. I shall conveniently blame them & not become paranoid about personal vendettas.
More grrrrrrrr.... somebody (I'm guessing the estate agent) has also left a light in the pub on, which I'm not happy about as the electricity bill is in my name until the lease is sold. Looks like I'll have to get the electricity cut off.
I had an accident with a mad careering taxi driver in May 2007. The car was trashed. I'd just bought it from a chum 2 weeks earlier to replace my old banger that had died (RIP). We hadn't got round to registering in my name but I believed I was ok to drive any car (oh how I rue my disorganisation). Sorting out the insurance has been a nightmare. My claim against the vicious piece of work who was driving is not covered & I must sort it out myself, though luckily her claim against me is. We're now in a sort of no-man's land where nothing is happening, though I have been given to believe that the nasty scheming cow wants to take me to court.
The wreck had been sitting in my old pub carpark & was finally collected for disposal today. Yesterday I found that a very kind person had covered it with kitchen oil & dog biscuits. A frightened old lady told me that some "louts" had ran riot around the village on Friday night & egged a few cars. I shall conveniently blame them & not become paranoid about personal vendettas.
More grrrrrrrr.... somebody (I'm guessing the estate agent) has also left a light in the pub on, which I'm not happy about as the electricity bill is in my name until the lease is sold. Looks like I'll have to get the electricity cut off.
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